fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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