I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
