Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
