That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Pants are for mortals
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
