Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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