I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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