I think my fart just growled at me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
