glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
