Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
