Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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