She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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