wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize