You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
