Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
