piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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