I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
