i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
