a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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