Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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