One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
