I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
