New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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