I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize