That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
