Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
