I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
