You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
