Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
