I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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