I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
