Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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