It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
