I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
