My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
