i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
