I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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