To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
