Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
