my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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