Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
