We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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