i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
