I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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