didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
