just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
