id be glad to
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
