My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
