Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
