I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
