There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
