Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize