I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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