i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
