Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
