Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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