What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
