Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
