Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize