my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
